I prepared this post a few weeks ago for the blog of Dr. Charley Ferrer, clinical sexologist and author of BDSM for Writers. Due to crossed wires the post didn’t get published, so I figured I’d share it with you here.
I’ve read some very good romance novels with BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) as the couple’s choice, but I’d never actually known anyone in real life that favored the lifestyle…until recently.
A very good friend of mine called and said, “Hey, I’m going to a munch tonight with some new friends and I’m not comfortable going by myself. Will you go with me?”
My first thought was, what the hell is a munch and why does she need me to go get something to eat with her? “I’m not afraid of these people,” she said, “but they are new friends and I’ve never been to that restaurant before so I’m not sure where it is.”
Of course, I was convinced more than ever it was an ‘eating’ thing. She went on to explain that a munch was a gathering of people that were “in the lifestyle”. It was a time where they got together to enjoy some candid and fun conversation, get to know others in the scene, and most importantly, impart knowledge to noobs (new people exploring BSDM). They talk about what BDSM is and what it isn’t from their own perspectives, and so on.
Nosey author that I am I quickly said, “Sure, I’ll go with you as long as no one expects me to play with them.”
She assured me there were no worries as that wasn’t the purpose of a munch. Others might decide to play afterward, but not during. So we hopped in my car and rode over to the restaurant and met her new friends in a little banquet room. The door closed and my new education began.
I learned that while many think BDSM or D/s (Dominant/submissive relationships) is about one person controlling or exerting their will on another, it isn’t the case.
D/s isn’t just about kink or fantasy role-play. It’s not about whips and chains, broken bones, pain and squicky stuff the media has burned into our heads. Although some may enjoy that type of thing, D/s relationships are about power exchange. There’s no gender bias here. Various sexual preferences are proudly flaunted and accepted. In many ways, the lifestyle brings about a community. There’s a sense of brotherhood amongst Dominants and submissives who are comfortable and open with their lifestyle choice.
Here’s what one person, Alan Howard (author and director), had to say about it when someone asked the question, “Regarding your ‘Dominant/submission’ interest, why do you feel the need to control women?”
Answer: “I don’t feel the need to control women. That’s not what ‘dominance’ is about. Instead, I feel the need to just be the dominant partner in a relationship.
“I might need to explain the difference between dominance and control. The difference between a dominant man and a controlling man is whether or not he cares about consent. Consent to dominance must be given by the submissive. She must want to be dominated by him as much as he wants her to submit to him.”
“Control does not require consent, and a controlling partner is likely to be an abusive partner, while a dominant partner is more likely to be a loving partner. Being the dominant part of a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship carries significant responsibility. If you’re the Dom, your submissive partner is giving themselves to you, and you choose to become responsible for their mental and physical well-being within the dynamics of the relationship that you both agree to participate in. Rules and behaviours expected from each member are established through extensive communication, and the responsibility of mutual care is far more important than most ‘vanilla’ (non-BDSM) relationships.”
That’s very interesting. I also learned about just how important communication is in a D/s relationship. I had no idea that there was such a thing as negotiating scenes, aftercare for Dominants and submissives. Or that it is necessary for a top to carefully monitor their bottom to ensure that they’re doing okay before, during and sometimes days after playing due to the possibility of something called sub-drop.
Every relationship has some form of D/s in it. Now before you start shaking your head and grumbling, “Nu-uh, not my relationships!” think about this – Isn’t it true that a person may be a leader outside the bedroom (top dog in the office running a top notch company, for example) yet want to be submissive (take me! pull my hair!) in the bedroom when they get home? Even in friendships, there is typically one friend that is more dominant than the other – you now, one person is more outspoken about where they should have lunch or what movie to see while the other is just fine accepting their friend’s lead. See, dominance and submission.
In the end, the munch was a gathering of ‘normal’ people that go to work every morning, take care of their families, live and love like everyone else. The difference is that those people aren’t afraid to explore their own sexuality and care enough to share the truth of it with others.
And yes, I do believe I’ll be writing a BDSM book in the very, very near future!
I’m in Switzerland working! I don’t usually get to wander around much when I’m traveling for work. I finished up early yesterday afternoon so I went for a walk around the square in Basel. It was absolutely beautiful (I’ll post pictures when I get home), sunny and easy to get around.
Tonight I’m going to dinner at a close by restaurant in the expedition square that I can’t even begin to pronounce, and I’m really looking forward to it. The word is that this place requires a reservation no matter what day you plan to go. Surprisingly enough, it’s also supposed to be affordable, which will be a welcome change. Why? ‘CAUSE SWITZERLAND IS DANGED EXPENSIVE!
Good lord, everything here is ridiculously high. My hotel room, probably worth about $700 (nice room but nothing special, no tea/coffee maker, a small deck and TV and that’s about all) is costing me $1300 instead. Gah! And believe it or not, I paid $19 CHF (Swiss Franks), which translates to about $21.75 USD, for a gyro, a falafel and a soda pop! Oh, and the five minute ride from the airport? Well, that was $42 CHF, or $48 USD.
According to the locals, this is normal even when the dollar is rallying high. It’s just expensive to live in Europe, period. Gas usually runs about $2 per liter…that about $8 per gallon on a good day. The folks here believe it’s because of the taxes and the ‘free’ government subsidized programs which aren’t free at all, but paid for through more taxes. The scenery is awesome…but I can’t wait to go home to $4.00 gas!
Okay, rant over ;D Tomorrow I’m off to France for the weekend before I head to the next customer site on Monday. When I get an internet connection I’ll be sure and tell you what I see, and I promise it won’t be a rant. Ooh la la!
Oh, someone asked me about the time difference between here and where I live on the West Coast of the U.S. Switzerland is 9 hours ahead, so it’s almost 1pm here on Friday afternoon, and almost 4am at home.
Click the logo to read posts by all of the other participants
No wedding, NO womb!
A brilliant movement started by Christelyn D. Karazin
Visit Beyond Black and White, for thoughtful, funny and down-to-earth talk
Why am I supporting this blog around the world? Because although I was married when my children were planned and conceived, I ended up a single mother anyway. Now some would say, well what’s the point of getting married if you’re going to end up raising your children on your own anyway? Marriage isn’t my point, not really. Children are my point.
Children need both sexes to thrive. And not just both sexes, but well-rounded parents. In my case, after our divorce the ex-husband was perfectly happy to walk away from our children. I had to find surrogate dads – luckily I had single and married friends who didn’t mind taking my son golfing, to play ball, do Boy Scouts, go snowboarding, camping, etc. Friends came to graduations for both my kids when the sperm donor wouldn’t show up. They came to plays and dances, football and volleyball games. In short, regardless of how strong I am or how educated, I couldn’t do it alone. Period.
While women are full of love and natural nurturers, if we were all that was needed to have and raise a child, then there would be no need for sperm. God knew what he was doing when he made men and women to need and complete each other. Can you be happy single? Absolutely. But planning to be single typically means there is no plan for children.
Why do children need their fathers? First, I can’t teach my son to be a man. Why not? Because I’ve never been a man, I have no idea what it means to be one and to be honest, I have no desire to be a guy. Second, my daughter needs to understand what a good relationship with a man looks like so she can tell the difference in her own relationships.
Black male-to-female relationships are at the heart of this issue. Our teen girls are told through the media that they’re supposed to go to a club as skanky as they wanna be with no consequences. Meanwhile, the young men are supposed to rope in as many women as he can while not being committed to any of them.
But when it comes to the real consequences of lax sexual attitudes, the result is 48% of black women have herpes, and more than half have babies out of wedlock. Those are sobering statistics which lead to even worse stats in store for our children.
Why do we put more planning into our next vacation than we do into planning our families? And why are we willing to accept less than what we want when it comes to ‘the ring’? The answer- because black women are fed the “you’re not worthy of a good guy” crap from a young age. It’s rare that black girls, in general, are made to feel special.
When I was growing up, in school there were the ‘special girls’ and the rest of us were worth almost nothing. We were lucky if guys were interested in us at all. We were expected to settle for being skeezers and taking whatever we could get. The ‘special girls’ had lighter skin than me and they were perceived to follow the standard of beauty set forth by society or MTV while girls like me didn’t fit that standard.
I was called black dog, pitbull, ugly, big nosed, nappy head, etc. And when people learned that I was a book worm, got good grades in school, and graduated early then I was told I was trying to be white. And none of that came from outside of the black community. It all came from so called family and friends.
Now how the hell was I supposed to grow up as a well-rounded woman able to make good choices and understand my worth when my own community was setting me up to fail? It’s a good question, isn’t it? There’s a lot to be said for constant subliminal bombardment, both inside and outside of the black society.
When a person’s color is the topic of conversation rather than their accomplishments, then that tells us a lot.
Gabourey Sidibe (pronounced Gah-boo-ree Si-deeb) the gorgeous star of the movie ‘Precious’ made the Elle magazine for October 2010. They made 4 different covers to celebrate this actress, yet there is controversy behind the magazine’s photos. Why? Because anyone who saw Precious knows that Miss Sidibe has very dark, beautiful smooth skin and dark hair, yet the photos show both a few shades lighter than her natural tones (see photo here). But why the need to make her look more ‘acceptable’ as if who she is isn’t good enough?
What the hell?
So back around to the dating thing – Don’t buy into the stereotype. That goes for black men AND women.
Currently there are horrifying statistics regarding our young black men. New York Times columnist, Bob Herbert said, “The Schott Foundation for Public Education tells us in a new report that the on-time high school graduation rate for black males in 2008 was an abysmal 47 percent, and even worse in several major urban areas — for example, 28 percent in New York City.” Read entire articlehere.
Black homes account for $850 billion of revenue via spending, per year. Yes, you are worth something. You are more influential than you think. See past the bullshit and learn to respect yourself. Respect for yourself is not putting others down or lashing out at someone else. Respect for yourself is learning who and what you are, the blessings you are entitled to (without the ‘tude) and being grateful.
There’s a big difference between ego and self-esteem.
In the end when it comes to children, it’s not about your ability to be a good mom. It’s not about who you are as a woman. It’s about what’s best for the children that we bring here. It’s about knowing how to provide a emotionally, psychologically and financially whole home where they can learn to appreciate the differences that men and women bring to the table, and where they can learn to be the best they can be.
Women, don’t feel pressured to give up your ring. If you want to be married with children, don’t let anyone, including your man, pressure you into squeezing the watermelon out of your va-jayjay before he says I DO.
Am I saying that you should make ridiculous demands on your man? Uh, no. Am I saying that we should have our nose in the air and treat men like they have to lick our shoes just to be worthy of being in our company? Nope. But don’t take it to the other extreme either, where we feel that we have to bring another life into this world in order to be worthy of a commitment.
Woohoo! Brenda Novak’s annual auction for Diabetes research has begun! There are tons of items from the best authors, publishers, editors and agents available. The money from this years auction will be donated to The Diabetes Research Institute at the University of Miami. Just about any and everything, from inexpensive to extravagant. So go bid on something and support this awesome (and certainly worthy) cause.
Oh, by the way, you have the chance to win this from me – Silk (yes, real silk!) napkins with matching chopsticks, a contemporary styled (and usable) tea set and matching wooden bowls.
…everything you need to create a beautiful Japanese place setting. Could be used for a theme party, or just to give your dining area an elegant twist.
I know many of you have seen this video before but I just love it. What brought this about? I was in Indianapolis for work at a customer site. As I walked through the cafeteria a woman I didn’t know caught me by the sleeve and asked, “Girl, are those sisterlocks?”
She was a beautiful woman…but her hair was thinning and breaking especially around the edges. She had a receding hairline where her hair should have been.
Been there, done that.
I spent a whole lot of years trying to get my hair to do something that it was never meant to do – be straight. I would go devotedly to the beauty shop, sit for hours (they double and triple booked in case somebody cancelled… but nobody ever did) for them to get to me so they could put a glop of grease on my scalp to try to protect it from burning when they put the lye relaxer in my hair.
Then I would sit with tears in my eyes for about fifteen or twenty minutes while they tried to get to the two thousand six hundred and forty nine women in the shop. I would get a rinse with some really good smelling shampoo followed by a setting solution that stung so bad the tears came back with a vengeance.
Next, my hair was rolled, slicked down or styled into whatever doo I was after, and I was off to sit under the dryer for an hour and a half so my hair could dry to a crackling, stiff-but-bone-straight consistency. After all that my hair was surprisingly soft, smelled great and was straight as I-don’t-know-what. And I did that every six to eight weeks for years.
Why? Because when I was growing up, curly, kinky or nappy hair was SO not in. Women of color were taught to straighten their hair. No doubt my hair was easier to manage when it was straight, but there was one little problem: My self-esteem became wrapped up in my hair. So what do you think happened to my self-esteem when my super-long gorgeous hair, after so many years of being practically burned out by perm solution, began breaking and thinning to the point where I had to wear hair pieces on my ponytails to even HAVE a ponytail? Hummph!
It seems to be a normal thing in society these days to be convinced that what you were born with is nowhere near good enough to be acceptable. If you have thin lips they tell you to go get ‘em plumped. If you’re a big girl, you’re told to get skinny. If you’re skinny, you’re told to get some hips. If you’re dark, you’re told you should be lighter. If you have straight hair, you’re told you need some curls. If you have curls, you’re told it should be straight. I mean, DAYUM!
I’d been toying with the idea of going natural for a long time but had no idea how to go about it. Then I met a fabulous author named Kimberly Kaye Terry. She’s a natural hair-wearing sistah who pointed me to some really good resources to research the path I wanted to go. It was encouraging hearing her story on what made her go natural. And it was something I wanted so much.
Me chillin’ in my office
So finally I found an answer to the kind of doo I wanted to wear. I have been sporting locs (no, not dreadlocs ’cause there ain’t nothing dreadful about my hair) for two years now and I couldn’t be happier. My hair is thick, long, strong and beautiful.
Check out this music video about how we women, all of us women, are more than what appears on the outside. I absolutely LOVE IT! If you can’t see the embedded video, visit this link.
Terry from Romance in the Backseat (ritbs.blogspot.com) captured me singing! Oh my GAWD! She said she was gonna put that video blog up but I didn’t believe it. ROFL!!!
This is so very cool! I embedded the video here, but if you can’t see it you can visit this link.
Where do you spend your time when you’re on the web? I’ve been finding myself enamored with Twitter. It’s so fast and so simple it’s almost irresistible. For those who have very little time to keep up with blogs and posts and websites in addition to ‘life’ stuff Twitter is a god-send! It’s the fastest communication tool I’ve ever used.
And it’s fun!
So that’s why I have a Twitter widget on my website now, so even if you don’t have a lot of time to comb through my website and see what I’m up to, you can always take a peek at the twitter-widget or hop on Twitter, take about 30 seconds (two minute tops) and catch up on what’s happening in the worlds of your favorite authors. Not to mention, there are plenty of good ole regular folks out there with interesting lives.
I’ve been converted! I am now a full-fledged Tweet-tee!
You know, I’d never paid much attention to Diabetes…until I was diagnosed with it during Christmas of 2007. What a present, eh?
I felt fine. No symptoms other than I kept gaining weight no matter how well I ate, how much I walked or exercised. So I decided to go in for a typical routine physical. The doctor called me back into the office a week later to tell me the tests had come back. And that I was just “over the line” enough in my blood work to be a diabetic.
It didn’t make a damn bit of sense. I wasn’t overweight (not by much anyway *smile*). Ate pretty healthy. However, I had allowed myself to totally stress, and I mean stress, over my job for a whole year, getting very little sleep, few days off, and hardly any exercise. And even though we all know stress does all kinds of nasty things to our bodies and causes the secretion of nasty hormones.
It took me a year of keeping my stress to a minimum, taking a blood-sugar control medicine and making my already pretty good diet even better. I went into the doctors office about six months later and received some good news. My blood tests came back non-diabetic. YAY!!
So I shared all that to say I really, really support what Brenda Novak is doing with her auction fundraiser for diabetes. And it is my fervent hope that you’ll participate, too.
So you’re probably wondering who the ‘us’ in the title of the post refers to. Click on the banner, hop over to the auction and take a look at what some of your favorite authors, editors, agents and publishers are doing this year.
These women are only part of the reason that curves are ‘In’. But I wonder what caused the transition from “stick is it” to “curves galore”?
But here are two women who command the red carpet when they walk down it – Beyonce and Shakira. Others are Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry and Gabrielle Union. I used to include Angelina Jolie in that category but for some reason she’s almost down to twig size. Now is anything wrong with being really thin? Nope. But for a good long while the media made those of us with curves feel as if we were big fat unattractive blobs who should be running to Weight Watchers to get rid of our hips.
And what really gets me is that when someone else (Hollywood? TV? Who?) decided that hips were in, suddenly folks were running to the butt surgeon to have fat pumped into everything from the lips to their backsides. I for one don’t allow anyone to label me or tell me how I should look, act or feel. They can all kiss my big ‘ole…well, you know ;D
My grandma used to say, “Baby, as long as you’re living in that beautiful skin of yours, that booty ain’t going nowhere.” And the woman was right, thank the stars. Those words stuck with me while I was growing up and because of my gran-gran, I learned a long time ago to accept my hips, my lips and all the rest as perfect. Besides, I could slim down to “knock me over by the next stiff breeze” proportions and my ass would still be the biggest thing on my body! Everything on me is where it’s supposed to be (even if it’s beginning to head South now ;D).
Watch this video and tell me what you think. Hips don’t lie and these women look FABULOUS, big booties and all! (Ignore the commercial. Damned Yahoo.)
Yes, Beyonce’s song, Single Ladies, was drumming through my head as I wrote up this blog piece… but to see it you’ve gotta wander over to the Samhellion Blog (courtesy of Samhain Publishing) to see what this sistah’s got to say…and it’s not what you’re thinkin’ ;D
To visit the auction, click here – 
