TJ Michaels

As you all know I’ve been exploring the BDSM scene in my area and plan to write a themed romance around what I learn. So I attended another local Munch last week and first off, I was thrilled to learn that they all remembered me though I’d only attended once, and that was some time ago. A very, very nice group of folks.

After dinner the meeting/learning session began and boy, oh boy did I ever learn some stuff!

As you can tell by the topic, this was definitely one I’m glad I didn’t miss. The folks that shared their stories were brutally honest and while some of the tales were ridiculously funny, some were absolutely horrific. I guess the old addage that “shit happens when you play naked” is definitely true. So here goes:

Story #1: Fire Play
A sub was on a table ready to enjoy some fire play. Now, fire play is about the sensation of the warmth, not pain. Typically what happens is that alcohol is swathed over the skin to the point where it is almost evaporated so when flame is introduced the alcohol, NOT THE SKIN, flares and is then immediately extinguished by the Top with a simple pass of the hand. The tool of choice is a fire flogger.

In this particular case the bottom was being topped by someone that was not her Dom. The person asked permission, as is correct, and both the Dom and Sub agreed (NOTE: Being a Sub doesn’t mean you’re a slave…unless you want to be. We’ll get into roles next time). The Dom stepped away, as was appropriate (RULE: You do not interfere with a scene unless you’re in it. Why? Because the Dom or Domme’s attention needs to be on the bottom at all times. Distractions can be a very very bad thing) and the scene started.

The problems began when the substitute Domme began to play to the crowd instead of paying attention to the sub. That was mistake number one. The second mistake was when the Domme chose to use lighter fluid instead of alcohol. Major blunder! Not only did the fluid cease to flame as alcohol would have, but since the Domme was playing to the crowd it took her a moment to realize that her sub was ON FIRE! The result: Second degree burns up the sub’s back. Second result – the sub won’t play with that Domme ever again…and neither will half the local D/s community.

Bottom line: Dom, you should be watching your bottom’s headspace. Is it where you need it to be or not? Pay attention. If the headspace isn’t there, call the scene done. Subs, if the Top’s eyes aren’t on you, use your safe word and call the scene done.

Story #2: Spanking
Is this particular scene the couple was outside. They planned to use a specific kind of bench for their speanking scene and had set it up on a concrete slab, but while they went back to their car to grab some blankets to drape over the bench for the sub’s comfort someone stole the bench! Gah! So they decided to simply use a plain old wooden chair. Can we say equipment malfunction, boys and girls? The chair collapsed and the sub goes tumbling off the edge of the concrete slab. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the slab hadn’t been…on the side of a very steep hill. The Dom went to grab her to keep her from falling and they both ended up tumbling down the incline naked into a ditch complete with brambles and trees! Luckily no one was hurt and they laughed their butts off as they made their way back up the hill.

Bottom line: Try to make sure that your equipment is in good working order and well away from any potential harmful areas, like cliffs or inclines ;D But sometimes “oops” is unavoidable and you’ve just got to laugh it off.

In the next installment of When Bad Scenes Happen to Good People I’ll tell you about how one Dom didn’t realize that a certain activity gave his bottom panic attacks, as well as the importance of risk assessment, after care, follow up and damage control. There’s alot of responsibility for Dom’s, but subs have their responsibilities, too. For example, there should ALWAYS be an agreed upon safe word between the bottom and the top. Sub, if your Dom doesn’t feel you need one…find another Dom. The bottom should already know what to expect from the top as surprises in this particular genre of play aren’t always a good thing; the top should know how to watch for headspace. If you don’t know the rules, learn them together or you may want to hold off on playing…

Til next time!

TJ

Two of my books are on sale!

My debut novel, Primed to Pounce, is on serious sale at Amazon! Click HERE to preview it and then pick it up for only $1.49. Note, this is NOT a quickie or short story, but a full-length novel. This book also received 4 stars from Romantic Times Book Reviews.

Jaguar’s Rule is on sale at Amazon, too! Click HERE to preview it, then pick it up at a huge discount. This is also a full length novel and was nominated for a CAPA award by The Romance Studio.

Neither of these books have been on sale before so grab ‘em while you can!

As for the “behind” part: I’m so behind on anything writer related. I do have a bunch of Goodreads posts to make so expect to see those pop up here soon. I’ll also put ‘em out there on Facebook. I’m also working on edits to my current WIP. I love this book, by the way. I’ll tell you more after it’s been contracted somewhere ;D

If you haven’t friended me on Facebook yet, I’m here –> TJ on Facebook

Talk soon!

TJ

I prepared this post a few weeks ago for the blog of Dr. Charley Ferrer, clinical sexologist and author of BDSM for Writers. Due to crossed wires the post didn’t get published, so I figured I’d share it with you here.

I’ve read some very good romance novels with BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) as the couple’s choice, but I’d never actually known anyone in real life that favored the lifestyle…until recently.

A very good friend of mine called and said, “Hey, I’m going to a munch tonight with some new friends and I’m not comfortable going by myself. Will you go with me?”

My first thought was, what the hell is a munch and why does she need me to go get something to eat with her? “I’m not afraid of these people,” she said, “but they are new friends and I’ve never been to that restaurant before so I’m not sure where it is.”

Of course, I was convinced more than ever it was an ‘eating’ thing. She went on to explain that a munch was a gathering of people that were “in the lifestyle”. It was a time where they got together to enjoy some candid and fun conversation, get to know others in the scene, and most importantly, impart knowledge to noobs (new people exploring BSDM). They talk about what BDSM is and what it isn’t from their own perspectives, and so on.

Nosey author that I am I quickly said, “Sure, I’ll go with you as long as no one expects me to play with them.”

She assured me there were no worries as that wasn’t the purpose of a munch. Others might decide to play afterward, but not during. So we hopped in my car and rode over to the restaurant and met her new friends in a little banquet room. The door closed and my new education began.

I learned that while many think BDSM or D/s (Dominant/submissive relationships) is about one person controlling or exerting their will on another, it isn’t the case.

D/s isn’t just about kink or fantasy role-play. It’s not about whips and chains, broken bones, pain and squicky stuff the media has burned into our heads. Although some may enjoy that type of thing, D/s relationships are about power exchange. There’s no gender bias here. Various sexual preferences are proudly flaunted and accepted. In many ways, the lifestyle brings about a community. There’s a sense of brotherhood amongst Dominants and submissives who are comfortable and open with their lifestyle choice.

Here’s what one person, Alan Howard (author and director), had to say about it when someone asked the question, “Regarding your ‘Dominant/submission’ interest, why do you feel the need to control women?”

Answer: “I don’t feel the need to control women. That’s not what ‘dominance’ is about. Instead, I feel the need to just be the dominant partner in a relationship.

“I might need to explain the difference between dominance and control. The difference between a dominant man and a controlling man is whether or not he cares about consent. Consent to dominance must be given by the submissive. She must want to be dominated by him as much as he wants her to submit to him.”

“Control does not require consent, and a controlling partner is likely to be an abusive partner, while a dominant partner is more likely to be a loving partner. Being the dominant part of a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship carries significant responsibility. If you’re the Dom, your submissive partner is giving themselves to you, and you choose to become responsible for their mental and physical well-being within the dynamics of the relationship that you both agree to participate in. Rules and behaviours expected from each member are established through extensive communication, and the responsibility of mutual care is far more important than most ‘vanilla’ (non-BDSM) relationships.”

That’s very interesting. I also learned about just how important communication is in a D/s relationship. I had no idea that there was such a thing as negotiating scenes, aftercare for Dominants and submissives. Or that it is necessary for a top to carefully monitor their bottom to ensure that they’re doing okay before, during and sometimes days after playing due to the possibility of something called sub-drop.

Every relationship has some form of D/s in it. Now before you start shaking your head and grumbling, “Nu-uh, not my relationships!” think about this – Isn’t it true that a person may be a leader outside the bedroom (top dog in the office running a top notch company, for example) yet want to be submissive (take me! pull my hair!) in the bedroom when they get home? Even in friendships, there is typically one friend that is more dominant than the other – you now, one person is more outspoken about where they should have lunch or what movie to see while the other is just fine accepting their friend’s lead. See, dominance and submission.

In the end, the munch was a gathering of ‘normal’ people that go to work every morning, take care of their families, live and love like everyone else. The difference is that those people aren’t afraid to explore their own sexuality and care enough to share the truth of it with others.

And yes, I do believe I’ll be writing a BDSM book in the very, very near future!

Soooo, whatcha think?