TJ Michaels

Today’s theme is humor. I sat down with my daughter and asked her which scenes in any of my books seemed humorous to her. She started spouting them so fast I was taken aback by the fact that she’d truly read them ALL! Cool beans! So, we picked this scene where our heroine meets the hero for the first time…or at least she thought it was the first time.

Blurb: Workaholic Sydni should have known better than to step away from work. Going out for a single evening of fun has ended up as a night spent in damn jail!

Drew is aware that the sexy, sultry and brilliant Sydni couldn’t care less about getting involved with him. But he needs her. And the perfect opportunity to prove that she needs him just as much comes along. All he has to do is get her out of jail…and keep himself free in the bargain.

Their desire scorches them, the connection so real and immediate.

But what will they do about the bad guy determined to set them both up? Solve the mystery, of course…and a little misplaced, hot-as-hell sex wouldn’t hurt either…

EXCERPT from CARAMEL KISSES
By TJ Michaels, Copyright 2009
Ellora’s Cave Publishing, Inc.
All Rights Reserved

She must be nuts. What the hell was she doing here waiting for a total stranger? Sydni hated to admit she’d been so engrossed in her work, she’d completely forgotten about the weird phone call from the DJ at KWQQ until one of their admins had called with a reminder of her “appointment with destiny”. God, could you get any more corny? And when the radio chick rattled off what her mystery man would be wearing, at her request of course, all Sydni could do was shake her head knowing she’d been cruel.

She checked her watch with a huff and felt the muscles in her stomach tighten. It was almost time. And though she wanted to have an attitude about the whole set up, Sydni couldn’t manage to get mad at her sister. Sure, Charli had signed her up for the stupid radio station’s blind-date contest, but the woman hadn’t tied her hands and feet to make her come here to meet the man. Well too late now. If there was one thing she wouldn’t do, it was stand someone up. It was simply too rude. But she could get rid of the guy tactfully. And quickly.

So here she sat at a stupid Starbucks instead of sleeping in, waiting for a man dressed in one of those stretchy workout shirts done in ghastly neon green, and a pair of black and white checkered golf pants. She shuddered at the ghastly image in her mind. Well, one thing was certain—any man with enough balls to walk into a busy Starbucks at a major intersection dressed like that must be as hard-up as she was.

Sydni laughed at herself, then ratcheted back to a semi-hilarious giggle when two women at the table next to hers flashed sharp looks. She should have been embarrassed to burst out laughing in the middle of a coffee shop while she sat alone, but after the week she was having, who gave a good goddamn? The only thing on her mind was getting this over with so she could go home, curl up on the couch with her favorite faux fur blankie and get some work done. Perhaps while listening to a rerun of the season opener of her favorite vampire soap opera.

“And pretend not to be lonely. Damn it.” Oops. She hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

Syndi snuck a peek at the two ladies who’d given her the stink eye seconds before. They were no longer eyeing her. Their attention was on someone across the room. When one of the ladies mouths edged open as if she were on the verge of drooling, Sydni had to see what the hell she was looking at. Was there a life sized piece of sculpted chocolate on display or something?

Sydni turned to look and her own lips eased apart. Oh god, this was so not happening.

There across the room, walking confidently in her direction was a man. Correction, a freakin’ hot studly construction worker mountain-type man…in a neon green stretchy workout shirt, hideous checkered golf pants. And a familiar face.

Sydni looked up at the ceiling and prayed. “God, just come and take me now, please. No? Well, how ‘bout opening the floor up and letting me drop through it? No on that one too? Damn.”

“Hi Syd.”

She was going to wake up anytime now, right? Right, damn it!

Then he spoke again. Sigh. Guess her prayers weren’t working today.

“I said, hello Syd.”

“Uh, hi, and it’s Sydni. Sid-nee. Fancy seeing you here, Mr. Caruth.”

“It’s Drew, and yep, definitely fancy.”

Now what were the odds that her recently acquainted lawyer would be the guy the radio station—correction, Charli, damn it—had set her up with? Why the hell hadn’t she figured it out sooner? Duh! And who would have thought the designer suits he wore in court hid such a fantabulous physique? Sydni’d thought he was only broad shouldered, but boy had she missed the mark by at least a football field.

The ugly shirt he wore left very little to the imagination, for goodness sake. Short sleeved, it showed off perfectly tanned, ropey muscled forearms and biceps sparingly dusted with black down. The shirt was stretched so tightly across his chest every can in the six pack was visible and his pecs were deliberately formed mounds of muscle. The whole lot tapered down to a trim waist and…

Nope. No way. I will not look down any further.

Okay, that declaration lasted all of half a second.

And down her gaze strayed right to a…hey, what was up with that? No overly impressive bulge? No huge package? Maybe he’d shrunk up his dick from lifting all those weights? Gazing a bit lower, disappointment was certainly wiped out of her mind at the man’s legs. His trousers fit perfectly, not too tight in the hips and thighs, but were cinched in at the waist. Since her sister was a lawyer-turned-tailor, Sydni could tell a living-room-alteration job on a pair of off-the-shelf pants at first glance. But Drew’s black hideous checkered duds looked tailored, as if the only way to get a good fit was if he bought a size or two larger just to get his thighs into them, then have the waist adjusted. Athletes whose sports required a lot of leg strength usually had this issue because they’re thighs were so large. And Drew looked like he fit that bill to the tee.

Amazing. Mr. GQ Lawyer stood there looking as deliciously sinful as her mama’s rum poundcake. And he’d seen her rougher than rough after a night locked in the hooskow? Oh god, how embarrassing.

Sheer horror snaked through each limb and it must have made its way to her face.

“What’s wrong. You look like you’ve just seen Hannibal Lecter.”

Enjoy!

Vivian Arend
McKenna Jeffries
Ashley Ladd
Kelly Maher
Shelley Munro
Taige Crenshaw
Lauren Dane
Shelli Stevens

I really enjoy Snippet Saturday! Each week there’s a different theme and this week’s subject had me putting on my thinking cap. Why? Because none of my heroes or heroines have pets. They have spirit guides, which is an all together different kind of animal – pets require attention, love, food, etc. Spirit guides just might kick your azz if you get out of line, hero or not ;D

I picked a snippet from one of my favorite paranormal stories, Primed to Pounce. I think it’s my favorite because it was my debut, the first book ever published in my 3 1/2 year writing career,

It’s the story of an undercover drug agent who is starting a new life after a bitter and nasty divorce. In this scene she is about to meet a man that turns out to be two things she doesn’t expect – a rival agent who is after the same bad guy, and according to her spirit guide, her mate. After you’re all done, be sure to click through to the links of all the other Snippet Saturday authors to see what they have in store for you.

Another favorite book of mine is Jaguar’s Rule. It was nominated for a CAPA award and later published by Pocket Books. Ever wonder what a jaguar sounds like? Well, I’ve got an answer for you. Choose from the several selections on the player below, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the jungles of Belize in the middle of the night…

Primed to Pounce
by TJ Michaels
Copyright 2006, All Right Reserved
Published by Ellora’s Cave

“Here I am eating a delicious dinner in a swanky, first-class mingling establishment, and I’m sitting here talking to myself,” Delaine grumbled under her breath, hacking her asparagus into itty bitty pieces with her steak knife.

*But you are not speaking with yourself. You are speaking, or rather arguing, with me,* Sapa whispered sarcastically into her head.

‘I am NOT going over there to talk to that man!’ Delaine growled back along their bond, stabbing her knife into a steak fillet so tender she could have cut it with a fork. The lioness was trying to get her to talk to the gorgeous redhead eyeballing her from across the room. But the cat was clearly crazy.

*You know you want to meet him, Suta.*

‘Who the hell cares whether I want to or not? There’s no way I’m making a fool of myself. I did that for eighteen years, and I am SO done,’ Delaine fumed at her spirit guide.

*Pride versus opportunity, Suta Winyan. Choose one. He’s interested. And quite tasty looking.*

‘Puh-lease! A man as fine as that, interested in me? Riiiiiight.’ It was times like this Delaine wished her spirit guide would go on vacation or something, but no such luck. The attractive man had caught the big cat’s eye.

*A possible mate, yes?*

‘NO!’ Delaine wailed in her head.

More than confident at her job, Delaine just wasn’t that bold when it came to trying to develop a love life. She’d been with the same man since her nineteenth birthday. At thirty-seven, she had no clue how to play dating games, and there was no way between here and hell she was putting herself out there with a total stranger. Besides, if the father of her children didn’t want her, then who would?

*You admit the puny Gary person you were married to was right?* the lioness asked on a sly purr.

Delaine bit the inside of her cheek to keep her mouth from falling open. What an ah-ha moment. Sapa was right. What the hell was she thinking, allowing that bastard Gary to make her feel unworthy and unwanted? She’d been more than good enough for him. He was the first man she’d ever dated, ever made love to, and unfortunately, settled for. But she would never settle for a mealy-mouthed, untrustworthy, spineless, selfish asshole again.

Mr. Handsome-As-Sin with the piercing eyes didn’t look like he fell into the mealy- mouthed category. He was stunning. He must be intelligent or he wouldn’t be in this group. She would never know if he fit the rest of the bill if she didn’t take a chance.

‘Okay, Sapa, let’s do this,’ she said, and took a deep breath as Sapa appeared behind her eyes, ready to give any aid Delaine might need.

Delaine squared her shoulders and pushed to her feet. The butterflies in her stomach grew kite-sized wings the moment she locked eyes with him. He didn’t look away. If anything, he stared harder. The man had no shame. The expression in his eyes was primal, like he had an unsatisfied craving for something. So that’s what lust looks like? Her knees felt peculiarly weak, but she kept right on walking.

She told herself to relax, painting on a calm facade. He stood and waited for her as she made her way over to his table. Lord, he was so tall and powerfully built. Forcing her eyes not to widen like a startled owl’s, she took in the length of his legs. He had to be at least six-foot-five to her five-foot-seven inches. His gray fine-gauged sweater accentuated the width of his shoulders. A pair of jet-black, tailored trousers showed off a trim waist, flat stomach and super long legs.

Sapa purred in her head as Delaine entertained thoughts of sliding her hands over the well-developed deltoids and thick biceps that bulged through the material of his sweater. His wavy, dark red hair was tastefully cut, with the sides and back cut shorter to fade into a neat line at the nape of his neck. His eyes were the most vivid, breathtaking blue. Like perfectly cut Caribbean Sea gemstones. Jeweled topaz blue. Damn, she’d always been a sucker for blue stones.

McKenna Jeffries
Taige Crenshaw
Ashley Ladd
Shelley Munro
Mari Carr
Jody Wallace
Shelli Stevens
Victoria Janssen

Of all the books I’ve written, CARINIAN’S SEEKER, VAMPIRE COUNCIL OF ETHICS BK 1, is definitely one of my favorites. In this scene Carin, our heroine (who is a pretty tough cookie) is about to play her part in capturing a bad guy vamp. How? By allowing her husband to rescue her, of course.

Enjoy this excerpt from Carinian’s Seeker, 2007 CAPA Award Nominee.

Excerpt from Carinian’s Seeker
Published 2007 by Samhain Publishing
All Rights Reserved, Copyright 2006

Note for Readers: You must be over eighteen to read this excerpt.

“Look, you tell Aleth I said he can take this outfit and stuff it up his ass.” She made to toss him out when the sickly man’s raspy words brought her up short.

“I—He said. Well, D-Dr. Sidheon said if you, if you refused…he would p-personally re-tie your hands and feet and…and,” Chase stuttered.

“And what,” she asked hotly.

“F-Feed you by hand.”

“What the hell does feeding me by hand have to do with these clothes?” she screeched, her temper as hot as San Diego in July.

“He said you would be, um, be naked, ma’am.” If she didn’t know better, both she and Chase blushed but the man remained so deathly pale she couldn’t tell. Carin snatched the leather outfit from the man’s hands, shoved him out the door and slammed it shut.

In exactly one hour, she walked into a large dining room, escorted by a very uncomfortable Chase who saw her in and ducked out as fast as his shuffling skinny legs could carry him. The room was shaped like a large rectangle and reminded her more of a conservatory than a dining room. The lengths of both sides of the room were all glass with skylights and beveled glass making up most of the ceiling as well as an entire wall looking out to the darkened beach. Comfy-looking couches and chairs surrounded a man-sized fireplace. Huge pillows done in burgundy and black brocade took up the rear of the room. The place would be lovely if Sidheon weren’t in it.

The scent of roast pork and fresh bread assailed her senses as she sat at the head of the table. Sidheon smiled at her from the other end with a pouting Natasha at his side. Her steps faltered but a second later she snapped her backbone into place and shook off her fear and surprise. Besides, her two known enemies weren’t the cause of her discomfort. It was…the others. The dining table seated twenty-two, and every seat was occupied by both male and female vampires who all looked like they’d rather eat her than the spread Sid had laid before them.

Keeping her mind quiet, Carin concentrated on the sumptuous spread and stuffed herself with honey-baked turkey, rosemary bread stuffing, fresh asparagus in some kind of butter sauce and hot yeast rolls. The meal was finished off with baked caramel apples and, for Carin, a cup of steaming hot black coffee. The vamps indulged in blood-laced champagne.

She sat back in her L.A. ‘Ho costume, pushed back her chair just a bit, crossed her booted feet and put them up on the table. Sipping the strong brew, she was more than aware the short leather skirt gave Sidheon an eyeful of almost the whole length of her bare legs. So, he’d thought to tie her up and hand feed her if she misbehaved? Nasty bastard. Only her promise to do as Bix asked made her tamp down her anger and put on a sweet-as-apple-pie face.

Several other pale and unhealthy-looking folks cleared the dishes. She thanked a particularly skinny female for a refill of her coffee. Her wan, weak smile made Carin wince. The girl looked like a strong northerly wind would blow her away. Carin looked closer at the wait staff and immediately knew the truth. Chase wasn’t the only ill vampire here. Every one of these frail-looking so-called servants were vampires.

What the hell had happened to them? Why did every vampire around the table look healthy while all the staff looked sick? Fuming, Carin slammed her cup down, ignoring the hot coffee sloshing onto her skirt and tablecloth. She shot to her feet with her hands fisted on her hips, glared at Sidheon down the long length of the table and roared.

“Aleth, what the hell is going on? What have you done to these vamps?”

“Oh, not much, my dear. Why don’t you take a closer look, good doctor?”

With a flick of his wrist, the same young woman who’d smiled so happily at Carin’s compliment now approached her with trepidation, dropped to her knees and cowered on the floor.

“There, there, I’m not going to hurt you. I promise,” Carin crooned to the female as she took her seat once more. As the girl relaxed, Carin gently touched the cool skin of her face and neck, and then quickly examined her teeth and the whites of her eyes.

Sucking her breath in on a sigh, Carin couldn’t keep the heartfelt sadness out of her voice. She was so sorry for this female it was all she could do to keep the tears in check.

“Aleth, how could you do this? You’ve altered them. This girl’s skin feels like tissue paper. There’s no way a vampire female should be this frail and weak.” Carin looked down at the miserable face and whispered for her ears only. “I’m sorry. We’ll fix it, okay? I promise. Now go on before you get in trouble.”

As the girl scampered away, Sidheon rose, tugged Natasha out of her seat next to him and stalked around the table towards Carin. With one arm around his consort, he leaned lazily against the table, much too close for comfort. Carin’s eyes never left his.

On an exasperated sigh, she asked, “Aleth, what do you want with me?”

A lone finger snaked out to wrap around a loose strand of her hair. “You know, Carin,” he said, his voice smooth as silk, “I’d hoped to woo you, perhaps even make you my mate. I’ve always been fond of you. Your beauty, and of course, your genius.”

Natasha flinched as if Sidheon’s words physically cut her. With fury in her eyes, she yanked away from him but remained by his side.

Sidheon grabbed Natasha by the hair, yanked her back against his body and pressed his groin flush against her butt. A hand slipped under the traitor’s blouse while he conversed with Carin as if they were all out for an afternoon stroll. Ewww, now this was just nasty, and not in a good way.

She wanted nothing more than to storm out, but remained in her seat instead, reminding herself that she’d promised to keep Sidheon in that damned dining room as long as possible. Carin picked up her coffee again and tried to ignore the mad scientist and his even madder Liaison. But boy was he making it hard.

Carin gulped a fortifying swallow of the strong brew and said, “You’ve always been fond of me, Aleth? Really? You could have fooled me, especially when you tried to gut me in front of my own house.”

“Just a misunderstanding really. I was quite relieved when I heard you’d taken a sabbatical from Idac.” He tweaked Natasha’s nipples through her bra and the female vamp gasped and moaned desperately as if someone were cutting off her air supply. Yet Sidheon’s gaze remained glued on Carin. “Before my partner here confirmed anything, I knew no one but V.C.O.E. could have pulled off something like that on such short notice, and only if you were alive.”

“But why try to take me out at all?”

“Because, my sweet Carinian,” he purred into Natasha’s ear, “I knew you were at least aware, if not sure, of what I was doing. I couldn’t risk allowing the V.C.O.E. to get to you.”

“Yeah, this is all good and fine, but you still haven’t answered my question. Why hold me here? I’m no threat to you, even if I did know what you were up to. And where the hell is here anyway?” She tried to block out the sound of Natasha’s ragged moans as Sidheon played with her breasts and slid his hands up under the front of her barely there skirt.

“Well, since nobody knows where you are, I see no reason not to tell you. You’re in a quaint little manor on a beach in Northern California. And while you’re here, you’re going to tell me exactly what you think of my research.”

He wanted to talk about his research? Shit. Not good. It got worse when he explained his plans for V.C.O.E. The bastard planned to use his biological weapon to blackmail the Council. If they refused to make him the leader of a rogue vampire state he would use the serum he’d developed. And since it only affected those with pure, unaltered vampire DNA, he could put it into a main water or food supply and no one would be affected except his kind. Every vamp in the area would be toast, literally, in a matter of hours.

“Let me get this straight. You want every vampire declared a rogue by the Council to be placed under your guidance so you can create a rogue state and live happily ever after?” Carin couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The man was definitely crazy. What made him think he could control a whole horde of lunatics with fangs? She was amazed at what she was hearing and forgot to put her psychic shields in place. Watching Natasha writhe and moan against Sidheon as he kneaded her breasts like bread dough wasn’t making it any easier.

She screwed up her face in disgust. Sidheon chuckled and flicked one of Natasha’s nipples into a hard, stabbing point.

“But you’re right,” Sidheon continued, “the Elders would want to know how I planned to control them. The same way I’ll control the Council. Cross me, and they die. Give me what I want or they die. Finance my projects, or they die. Simple, yes? As for you, I don’t actually need you. I do, however, want you.”

Carin’s skin crawled when Natasha’s blouse slid down her arms to the floor, a black lacy bra following close behind. Carin felt her lip curl as she watched the woman raise her arms behind her, wrap them around Sidheon’s neck and pant like a dog in heat. All the other vampires seated around the table pushed back their chairs and headed for the comfortable love seats and mounds of pillows in front of the huge fireplace. Watching Sid and Natasha make out must have given them ideas of their own. Soon the whole room was full of moans, groans and all-out lust.

“You don’t need me, Aleth, and judging by the handful of tits you’re juggling, you don’t want me either. I want to go home. Right now.”

“Now, now, my sweet Carinian. You aren’t in a position to make any demands, except one.”

“And what’s that?” she sneered, swinging her feet off the table and pushing out of her chair to glare at him.

“You can demand me to fuck you. I’ll definitely comply. In the meantime,” Sidheon growled into Natasha’s ear, his attention still on Carin, “I’ll just have to amuse myself with…other things.”

He turned sideways and pushed Natasha to her knees. She didn’t hesitate in unbuckling the rogue’s belt, undoing his trousers and sliding them to his ankles. A pair of forest green boxers followed and Carin saw more of Sidheon than she’d ever hoped to in her lifetime. She might have been impressed with the size and weight of his cock if he hadn’t been a repulsive bastard. And Natasha was gobbling the man up as if her daily protein intake was in Sidheon’s cock.

Every couch and pillow in front of the roaring fire was filled with writhing vampire bodies, the male and females paired off. A few were in threes, and all of them naked.

Sidheon grabbed a handful of Natasha’s hair and snatched her up off her knees, hiked her skirt up and bent her forward over the table.

Carin almost gagged when he pushed into the woman’s willing body and hissed about how tight the fit was. Eyes closed, she tried to block out Natasha’s groans and moans. But when the woman began screaming bloody murder, Carin’s eyes snapped open. Her dark brown eyes clashed with Sidheon’s azure blue ones. The man hungrily watched her while he fucked Natasha into such a screaming orgasm the woman clawed at the fine finish of the table.

Gross. Carin stilled, concentrated to keep a shield in place, then reached frantically across the bond calling Bix’s name in her head as loud and strong as she could.

“Easy, sweetheart. Easy. I’m almost there.”

She stiffened as Bix’s thoughts rushed through her brain. She closed her eyes and sent him a mental picture of what she was seeing. “Take it easy? Are you shitting me? There’s a damned vampire orgy going on and you want me to be easy? Damned man. Why, I ought to…”

“Carin, move it.”

“Fine, already,” she hissed, easing towards the door. She grabbed her stomach like she was going to throw up and ran for it.

Just as she reached the dining-room entrance, every pane of the wall of glass was blown inward. In swarmed a score of pissed off Seekers and Iudex judges with one thing on their minds. Kicking some Sidheon ass.

Enjoy these other Snippet Saturday authors:
McKenna Jeffries
Vivian Arend
Ashley Ladd
Kelly Maher
Shelley Munro
Taige Crenshaw
Mari Carr
Eliza Gayle
Victoria Janssen

Click here to view the .pdf in your browser –>TwelfthNightAnthology<-- Or Right click and choose Save Link As... to save the book to your computer.

Happy Reading!

TJ